Standing on the edge...

"You cannot expect to achieve new goals or move beyond your present circumstances unless you change. " - Les Brown

Image: FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I have been struggling with returning to work and school, adjusting to a new baby while also raising a three year old, maintaining a home, being a wife, and trying so hard to maintain my spiritual routine.  All of this on the bare minimum of rest and sleep.  I just realized something: I'm tired. No scratch that--I'm exhausted. 

I know that something has to give and soon.  I cannot continue to barely function by getting a two hour nap (if I'm fortunate) and working a twelve plus hour night shift, get off and shower, and stay up until ten or eleven a.m. when my children are ready to sleep as well, then getting a three hour nap (again--if I'm fortunate) and staying up until the wee hours working on homework. 

I've realized that I've been working so hard to be the best at everything that I'm not really being good at anything.  I'm stretched too thin. 

We live far away from most of our family and daycare is not an option.  I had a long talk with my husband and the verdict was that I would reduce my work schedule to work as little as possible.  The plan is for me to work one shift a week.  I talked to my supervisor who is so gracious and more than supportive and she eagerly wanted to know what to do to support me.  Now I just need to sign the paperwork.  So why am I so scared?!

In reality, I can work as much or as little as I want.  I can schedule my shifts in advance or call at the last minute and ask to be placed.  I even have a safety net of sorts: I can change my schedule back or even go full-time whenever I wish.  What's so bad about that? It sounds perfect.  Am I terrified of reducing our income?  That's likely part of it.  However, what amount of money can replace the precious time you spend with your children and be both physically and mentally present? 

Years ago, one of my nursing instructors said: "There is fear of the unknown."  That absolutely describes my feelings in a nutshell.  I have been able to work the same days and same schedule for so long and before all of the life changes I've had, I really was able to do it all easily.  Now I'm walking a path that I'm unsure of.  One thing I know for certain--I have to achieve a better life balance and it is not going to happen unless I make the first move. 


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