They don't know it yet, but I'm on to them...

Image: Kittikun Atsawintarangkul/FreeDigitalPhots.net

I'm sneaking to type this because I don't want them to know I'm on to them.  I have reason to believe my kids are highly trained and skilled mini-secret agents.  Don't believe me?  I have sufficient evidence to support my suspicions. 

Spies move, often undetected, with stealth. At times they provide counterintelligence--feeding false information to enemies.  Their missions are clandestine and shrouded in secrecy.  I've discovered my children have approximately 3 secret missions:

 Mission 1: Cause as much disorder, mess, chaos as possible.

To accomplish this mission, they have moved--often unseen and unheard--with pencil, crayon, markers, pen, etc in hand and leave areas of "secret code" on the floor, walls, various body parts, important papers, mattress, clothing, you name it.   

Exhibit A: A large bag of chips dumped onto a rug

When the "secret code" is discovered, Big spy usually blames little spy.  Little spy, who can't yet fully communicate in English, then effectively points an index finger at Big spy and jabbers wildly "skjdfkjkdfiueirjkejrkriufkjfiej!" Big spy must understand this spy language because she immediately responds "No, it was you!" 

I turn away for one second and a massive mess is made and no one is in sight. (See exhibit A).

A few times the stairs have even been booby-trapped.  Once a Barbie doll was left lying on a step with her plastic pointy hands extended upward--just waiting on an unsuspecting adult to plant a bare foot there.

 Mission 2:  Destroy anything of value

Exhibit B: A partially chewed makeup sponge

This mission is accomplished by piggybacking off Mission 1. Anything of value that is left in reach of these mini-spies becomes a target. Things get wet, scribbled on, tossed in the trash, or even chewed up (see Exhibit B).

Of course, this too is done in the most secretive way possible. Usually when the mini-spies are awake, and the house gets really quiet, like eerily quiet, you'd best believe Mission 1 or 2 is underway.

Mission 3: Delay or, if possible, detain any adult from departure.

Mission 3 can be the most frustrating for their adult targets.  When the mini-spies suspect they are being removed temporarily from their home base they go into panic mode.  Either one or both spies will then launch a full out assault. Little spy will show his resistance by running from the adult target while laughing maniacally.  In some cases, he will resort to throwing a full-blown tantrum. 

Meanwhile, Big spy will delay departure significantly while looking for a shoe, jacket, or some other object--despite being told constantly to put these things in their proper place.  Big spy's final barb is the line "I gotta pee!" which usually comes either just as we prepare to walk out of the door, or worse yet, after we've driven 5 miles from home.

I know that we are not the only adult targets out there.  I suspect there are millions of other adults that have become aware of these "secret missions" happening right under their own roof.  Even more frightening, I'm told these mini-spies eventually morph into teenage spies with even more destructive missions...shudders. Heaven help us all!!